Scottish Mystery Solved!!!!

 

“The Loch Ness Monster?” No! “In reality, the Loch Ness Chagoi!”

 

 

AP.  Niigata, Japan:  The mystery is over!  Today Mr. Yukio Takahashi revealed an old, closely guarded family secret and announced that the Loch Ness Monster is in reality a huge chagoi, a variety of koi, placed in the Lake over 200 years ago by his great great great grandfather, while on a fishing trip to Scotland.  The fish was brought to Scotland by Lord Takahashi and was originally intended as a gift for his host, until he found out over a haggis dinner, that the Scots did not have the same taste for bottom fish as the Japanese.  As Mr. Takahashi dipped into his haggis, it occurred to him that it would be interesting to release the chagoi in this cold deep peat moss lake to see what kind of growth could be achieved.  He released the fish and rest is history.

 

His family has been secretly visiting and hand feeding “Nessy-san” ever since.  When the sightings were first reported and photographed, a Takahashi family member was secretly on the scene feeding the huge fish.  The Takahashi family, seeing the headlines were greatly amused and decided to continue the hoax to give the Scots something to promote tourism and garner some world attention.  “After all, we have Godzilla and Rodan” the proud Takahashi told reporters “and just look at all the wonderful movies and tourism that have resulted from their adventures.” “It was our hope that the chagoi could do the same for Scotland.” “It is a relief to finally be able to release the astonishing data which our family has guarded so closely for all these years.”  According to Mr Takahashi, “Nessy-san” is over 80 meters in length and weighs about 300 tons.  “Nessy-san” today still enjoys being petted and hand fed bushels full of jumbo shrimp, whitefish and even oranges. 

 

Today Niigata and Loch Ness were officially and forever united as sister cities by Lord Mayor Angus MacCarp of Loch Ness, Scotland and the honorable Mayor Tadashi Yamashita of Niigata, Japan.  It was done via global satellite simultaneously in both locations, another first to be recorded on this most auspicious occasion.

 

Through the Japanese and Scottish tourism boards, Mr. Takahashi is arranging tours leaving from Niigata, Japan and ending in Loch Ness Scotland to view and feed “Nessy-san” The 5 day all inclusive spring and summer tours will be limited to 40 people per trip. The cost will be $10,500 US, which includes round trip airfare from Japan to Scotland, all hotels, meals, gratuities and taxes.  Participants wishing to hand feed “Nessy-san” will be able to purchase food for the fish at a special discount price in Loch Ness. Nessy San, like most chagoi’s, has a healthy appetite, so tour members are encouraged to bring a full wallet.   To date, reservations have been sold out through 2006.  Reservations are being accepted for future dates, however, and you may contact either tourism board via the Internet or this humble correspondent. 

 

Disclaimer:  None!  If you think this is real, please contact me, as I have a bridge in Brooklyn that is for sale. Special love and thanks to my wife, Jane for encouraging me to write this. 

Fred Jung